HomepageRegisterLog inHomeFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroups

Share | 
 

 Saving Song

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
wildchild13w
New Poet


Female Number of posts : 17
Registration date : 2010-10-21

PostSubject: Saving Song   Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:37 pm

Music falls from your fingertips
in a cleansing shower of rain;
Pour over my ragged body,
Purify away the pain.

Your voice, seeking out truthfulness,
washes through my thickened blood;
Words, like granules of sea-salt,
loosen heavy clumps of mud.

Reach me deeper than the ocean,
play me higher than the sky;
Dive into the dark of my heart
and sing me wings to soar by.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Chaos Poet
Chaos Lord


Male Number of posts : 193
Location : Hell
Registration date : 2008-10-21

PostSubject: Re: Saving Song   Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:40 pm

The imagery is entrancing, but it has a sense of a cliche. The sky is high and the ocean is deep, we all know. Perhaps there is a more profound way to describe these sensations?

_________________
Let the fire consume you.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.chaosarts.webs.com
wildchild13w
New Poet


Female Number of posts : 17
Registration date : 2010-10-21

PostSubject: Re: Saving Song   Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:43 pm

I thought so too; do you have any suggestions?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Chaos Poet
Chaos Lord


Male Number of posts : 193
Location : Hell
Registration date : 2008-10-21

PostSubject: Re: Saving Song   Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:48 pm

Nothing is quite so deep as the heart of man; describing it, or anything involving it, is hard. Perhaps reversing the description, saying that the depth could consume the tallest mountain, or that no plane could have fly as high as the speaker was played.

_________________
Let the fire consume you.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.chaosarts.webs.com
wildchild13w
New Poet


Female Number of posts : 17
Registration date : 2010-10-21

PostSubject: Re: Saving Song   Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:23 pm

I see. I'll think about that. Thank you; I appreciate your critique.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Saving Song   Today at 4:42 pm

Back to top Go down
 
Saving Song
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Mai-Otome Episode 22: Song of Destruction
» Late 80's Rap Song Parody
» The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles
» The Theme Song
» Song Facts

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Chaos Arts :: Poetry Forums :: Spiritual and Gospel-
Jump to: